Christian Marriage Counseling and Premarital Marriage Counseling

Marriage was created by God in the Garden of Eden between the first man and the first woman. But one of the things that seems so elusive is how to maintain a marriage that is not only viable, but fruitful in every sense of the word. And this is where marriage counseling for Christians and Christian couples comes in because it is in understanding God's design and relationship with Him that you are able to have a successful marriage.

Without understanding the Design of God for a marriage and having a relationship with God, you will not be able to have a successful marriage.

So one of the things that a Christian counselor seeks to do is a Christian counselor listens to what you have to say by listening to both parties, and then seeks to align you with the plan of God for the marriage. For instance, if there's a disagreement in a marriage, both parties should be able to agree to disagree.

There's no sense in destroying the whole Union for the purpose of being right.

Some people like to be right, but being right sometimes can cause your marriage to fall apart, because you see, when dealing with human beings, it's not about being right so much as it is about being understood.

Now, don't get me wrong, things have to be done the right way, based on the Scriptures and the leading of the Holy Spirit in your marriage, but at times, depending on where your partner is, he or she may not be at that place to receive what you're saying in the correct light.

Do you choose in those instances to be right, or do you choose to be understanding?

You see, one of the things that you have to learn to have a successful marriage is that there's a difference between a man and a woman in the way that they think, understand, conceptualize, remedy, and organize their lives.

And so if you go to your spouse without the awareness of God's design for your spouse, you'd just be asking for trouble. And so what is it about the design that is important for a successful marriage? I'm glad that you asked.

Christian Marriage Tip #1. - The man is the head or leader of the woman

1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. 

I know this is not popular in today's day and age, but the Apostle Paul said it, the Lord Jesus alludes to it. The Lord Jesus Himself being the head of the body shows us that the man is the head of the church, the bride (woman), the way that God designed it.

And so one of the foundational things that has to be done for a successful marriage is that the husband and wife must understand who the head (leader)is.

If the man doesn't know that he is the head, he ends up in all sorts of problems following his wife. And likewise, if the woman doesn't understand that she that he is the head, she can feel as if she's not secure, or that she has to figure everything out.

Both parties must understand their roles.

Strategies for a Successful Christian Marriage 

Christian Marriage Counseling Tip #2. The woman was designed to help the man.

Now sometimes when people think about helping, they think of it as an inferior position. No, it's not an inferior position in the sense that people think of it today. It's the helping or supporting role. We can't both be the head.

The man says, "This is what God is sharing with strength that I need to do."

The woman says, "Okay, honey, how can I help? Okay, I saw that. You did this. Okay, we can possibly add this and that to what you're doing. How else can I help you do that? "

The woman should be in the supporting role. You see, one of the things that happens in marriage is that the woman sometimes feels as if she helps or she plays that subservient or submissive role that she somehow won't get her needs met. But nothing can be further from the truth. Ask any man about having a helpful wife or having a supporting wife, and you would hear from the man, "whatever she needs, whatever she asks for, I'm going to give to her, because she always supports me."

The way to a man's heart, resources and strength is through support and submission.

Just as it is with Christ, so it is in the marriage union, the more we submit to Christ, the more that we get from Christ (James 4:6), and likewise, in the marriage, the more that the woman submits to her husband, the more she gets from her husband, the more of the man "he's supposed to be" comes forth.

But if she fights him like a man and goes to him as if she is the man, then somebody has to play the subservient rule, and this is where the chaos often ensues. So the woman must understand her rightful place in the design of God.

And lastly, for a successful marriage, both parties must have God at the center of their lives and their marriage.

3. Relationship with God Must Be Had By Both Spouses, Individually and Collectively

Now notice, I said in their lives and in their marriages. Having a relationship with God is going to teach you how to deal with your spouse but without it relationships between men and women fall apart very easily because of the difference in spousal design.

But with relationship with God and the understanding of God-given gender roles, where the man knows his place and the woman knows her place, it can work. This is not to say that this is the only solution to the myriad of challenges that married couples face, but it is the foundational one.

Relationship with God also brings the benefit of knowing how to address each other with honor, love, goodness, goodwill and good intent, because as as you serve one another in the marriage you serve as unto the Lord.

With a relationship with God through the Lord Jesus Christ, they have been practicing and learning how to interact with people in such a way as to bring about wholeness and God's intention and righteousness in them.

And because of this skill, which is really fruit of the Spirit in a spouse's life, positive, life-giving interactions take place between husband and wife.

So in closing, it's extremely important that your relationship with God is supreme above all else, then, of course, understanding the roles that God has given and finally submitting to God in those roles as He intended for man and woman in marriage. His design is for the man to be the head of the woman, for the woman to help the man, and then for them to be fruitful, multiply, replenish, and subdue the earth and have dominion in Jesus' Mighty Name.  

I leave you with the inspiring words of Scripture from Ephesians 5:25-33

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

If you'd like more resources and if you like to receive marriage counseling, then you can visit Taste and See Ministries and other Christian counselors .

Read My Detailed Article on Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage (Must Read)

References: 

Biblical & Theological Sources

1. Henry, Matthew. Commentary on the Whole Bible. Hendrickson, 1710.

2. Keil, C. F., & Delitzsch, F. Commentary on the Old Testament. Hendrickson, 1866–1890.

3. Calvin, John. Commentaries on the Epistles of Paul. Baker, 1556–1559.

4. Chrysostom, John. Homilies on Ephesians and Homilies on 1 Corinthians. 4th Century.

5. Augustine. On the Good of Marriage. 401 AD.

6. Athanasius. Letters to Serapion. 4th Century (re love, order, and humility).

7. Luther, Martin. The Estate of Marriage. 1522.

8. Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Letters and Papers from Prison. SCM Press, 1953 (marriage blessings).

9. Lewis, C. S. The Four Loves. HarperOne, 1960.

Marriage Psychology, Communication, & Emotional Health

10. Gottman, John & Gottman, Julie. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, 2015.

11. Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages. Moody Publishers, 1992.

12. Fowers, Blaine. The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home. Baker Academic, 2000.

13. Markman, Howard; Stanley, Scott; Blumberg, Susan. Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey-Bass, 2001.

14. Olson, David H. Prepare/Enrich: Building Strong Marriages. Life Innovations, 2010.

15. Larson, Jeffry; Holman, Thomas. “Predictors of Marital Quality and Stability.” Journal of Marriage and Family, 1994.

16. Fincham, Frank & Beach, Steven. “Forgiveness in Marriage.” Family Relations, 2002.

17. Karney, Benjamin & Bradbury, Thomas. “The Longitudinal Course of Marital Quality.” Psychological Bulletin, 1995.

Family Studies & Relationship Stability

18. Waite, Linda & Gallagher, Maggie. The Case for Marriage. Broadway Books, 2000.

19. Wilcox, W. Bradford. Soft Patriarchs, New Men: How Christianity Shapes Fathers and Husbands. University of Chicago Press, 2004.

20. Popenoe, David. Life Without Father. Harvard University Press, 1996.

21. McLanahan, Sara & Sandefur, Gary. Growing Up With a Single Parent. Harvard University Press, 1994.

22. Amato, Paul. “The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children.” Journal of Marriage and Family, 2000.

23. Hawkins, Alan & Booth, Alan. Marital Instability. Springer, 2005.

24. Wallerstein, Judith. The Good Marriage. Houghton Mifflin, 1995.

Christian Marriage & Pastoral Counseling

25. Adams, Jay. Christian Living in the Home. Presbyterian & Reformed Publishing, 1972.

26. Crabb, Larry. The Marriage Builder. Zondervan, 1982.

27. Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage. Dutton, 2011.

28. Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage. Crossway, 2009.

29. Stott, John. The Message of Ephesians. IVP Academic, 1979.

Communication, Conflict, & Emotional Intelligence

30. Rosenberg, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication. PuddleDancer Press, 2003.

31. Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. Ballantine Books, 1990.

32. Burleson, Brant. “Emotional Support & Well-Being.” Communication Monographs, 2003.

33. Seligman, Martin. Authentic Happiness. Free Press, 2002 (gratitude & encouragement research).

34. Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books, 1995.